Coming to Terms...

Hey Chics!

So I skipped a week blogging. It wasn't that I wanted to. I did. I love this blog. Even if only one person reads it that is a win to me. If no one was to read it at least I know I am healing myself in one of the best ways I know how...writing. You could give me any topic and I could write a novel...opps there I go getting of the topic at hand.

Two weeks ago I began to focus and put everything in to getting back in shape and being healthy. There was one thing I was not ready for...my

[I wrote this whole blog last night when to save it and my computer froze and the only thing that auto saved is what you see above. It was so late I was not about to re write it  and the more I sat on it the more I realized that I am glad that it was not saved. I think I may have went into far into detail about this blog and with some of the people that I know read it from time to time although it may be healing for me it may hurt them. So this is the best of both worlds I was able to heal because I did get to write it all out and now I can write it again for others. Ok back to the blog...]

The thing I was not prepared for was the emotions that were going to come up because I was no longer pushing memories back down with food. Now between the exercise and the eating better I was pretty much vomiting emotions. I was mean, happy, scared, and sad all rolled up in to one. And once again I panicked and could not take these feelings so my diet and exercise has not been great so I decided to write this blog to get this out I can no longer keep pushing these things down. They can no longer define me.

I have 2 defining moments in my life that have affected my weight. There is one I have talked about many times on here and last year I have come to terms with this subject and know that this was not my fault and it is the death of my best friend. If you would like to read more on that subject just scroll to the other blogs.

The second thing happened not long after I got out of high school. I was raped. It was by a friend at a party. Looking back this was not the first time he had tried. I now look back and see I was drugged by this person once before but my friends were around me so he failed. On this particular night he did not. Before last night I would always say I was taken advantage of. I would not just be blunt with myself. I do not think I could come to terms with it. I never did anything about it because it took me some time to put the pieces together because I was drugged. It is also nice to know he is in jail for a very very very long time for other things. But karma is a bitch and he got his.

Last night I went to take a shower and I looked in the mirror and told myself that yes this happened to me but it does not define me and I am worth so much more than to let that bring me down. Now it is time to move on. I will not say that everything is now just fine. It isn't there are things that will trigger ,e a certain smell, a touch, you never know but it is a process just like any thing else.

As you all know I am pretty much an open book but then again maybe there is a point where I was too open and I am glad I had a chance to share the parts of my story that matter the most...

xoxoxo,
Kelly

Foolish Girl...

Hey Chics!

Well I decided to write my blog a day early because the thoughts are going through my head from this past week so I am ready to get them out and for your reading enjoyment.

This week was a roller coaster from hell. And to be honest with you I gave in...but now I need to back up a bit and tell you about my week.

So there is was Monday morning I stepped on the scale and I was out of the 200's! It was an awesome feeling. Maybe it was only by 1/2 a pound but I still felt a sense of freedom from that 1/2 pound. I was still eating good and taking care of myself. Tuesday and Wednesday were awesome and I was still living on cloud nine!

Then Thursday hit and my husband went to the store and came home with a surprise for all of us which I was so happy about that he thought of the kids and me (he is pretty thoughtful by the way). I saw this adorable little stuffed bear with a heart and then, there it was...beneath the bear was a bag of snack size Pay Day bars and to the side of it was a Sprite. I was kinda in shock to be perfectly honest. Then I did it, I ate the candy. I think I had 3 that night. I tried the Sprite too but I did realize that soda to me, is well just plain nasty now.

Friday, oh goodness I am not sure if I want to go there. I finished that bag of Pay Day bars (now I did not eat that whole bag myself but I ate at least 1/2 of it. I went to pick up my daughters boyfriend and as soon as my hubby came home he brought with him some banana Twinkies. You guessed it, I ate some.

That night I sat in the bathroom feeling sick to my stomach and ready to cry. Then it hit me when I stepped on the scale (FYI you may see a weigh in once a week but I personally weigh myself once a day) and saw 200lbs. I was devastated.  Saturday morning I saw the SAME thing. At that moment it took me back to my ex-husband. When I lost a lot of weight after we had my middle son he began to sabotage me. It was really bad, I personally do not want to go into much detail. He would call me ugly names, bring in food that I love but shouldn't eat, and the list could go on. For that moment I wondered...is this happening again?

So Saturday I was just drowning in this emotion. We ended up at Sonic where I had a corn dog, some onion rings, and a cherry limeade (once again couldn't drink it). The hubby and we began to have a conversation that was pretty deep about other things and I thought in my head...this is it. I have to ask because this is just eating me alive...and I was going to eat myself to death.

I asked him if that was his intention, nicely I will add. He looked stunned and could not help but wonder why I would even ask that because he loves me and would not want to do that. He put it into a perspective that I had not even thought of. He wanted to bring me home something to show me he loved me. This is the kind of stuff we always give each other. Personally, we do not know much different. He also let me know he was sorry. I was also because I went back in a dark place and assumed too much.

It shows me that when you decide to change you can not expect everyone to know exactly what is going on. It also takes time for everyone to change and old habits are hard to break. The other thing is if I would not have gotten so wrapped up in these emotions I could have even told him thank you but I just can't have that anymore. But I let me emotions get the best of me and in the end I sabotaged myself a little.

Oh and P.S. my toddler was just trying me this WHOLE weekend and I know I emotionally ate because of that too. Ladies our kids can make us pull our hair out I don't want them to make me pick up the doughnut too.

If you have not Liked my Facebook page now is the time. On Monday the 3rd we will be having a contest for some beautiful Premier Jewelry. All you have to do is get moving! Check out the details ay www.facebook.com/byebyechunkychic.com.

Have a Great Week!
xoxoxo,
Kelly