Finding Myself Beautiful

So here I am. I needed a little break which stinks because right now I have 3 topics in my head and I will talk about 2 today. They are both from the devotionals I am reading and the first one I will start with is every dieters favorite lie they love to tell themselves. You know it! I shouldn't even have to post it but I will...

I'll start again on Monday!!!
Do you know how many Monday's I have devoted to starting my diet over? Ever Monday since I was 20! Considering I am now 32 they is a lot of Mondays and I am just getting bigger. I weighed myself today and I am 201 lbs! Even after reading this I still said to myself I will start on Monday! Really? I would kick myself in the butt if my legs weren't so short! Why have we programed ourselves this way? Why would we wait till Monday when everybody already dreads Monday? So here it is...I am starting TODAY! FRIDAY! 

I could never give up that!

I believe this one little shift in our thinking can make us feel empowered, instead of feeling denied. Rather than giving in to the foods we crave, we can have God’s self-control to make a completely different decision, such as a decision for health . . . a decision for renewed energy . . . a decision for confidence and peace. Most importantly, a decision that honors both our body and God!

What is that one thing you feel that you can not give up? I have always felt I can not give up potatoes and ketchup! I love them both! It could be worse. I never thought I could give up pasta but marry a man who doesn't eat pasta and that is not a problem at all! Now I have to look at the bigger picture. What is worth giving up all the bad crap? My kids. That wasn't hard to figure out. They are why I am here. I was put on this earth to be a mom and I am not about to take me away from them too early. 

I think that is one thing we all need to figure out. What is worth giving that "thing" up that has a hold on you. Is it family, a better relationship with God, YOU!  

 Ok I lied there is one more I want to touch on. The whole reason for the name of this entry...

Finding Myself Beautiful

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not.” I’ve found my beautiful. And I like my beautiful. I don’t have to hold my beautiful up to other people’s bodies with a critical eye of judgment. I pray that you see your beautiful today and enjoy the blessings of the body that God gave you.

I can not begin to explain how much this one spoke to me. I cried. From the outside you would think I am confident and love everything about myself. But behind closed doors I am a wreck when I wake up and know that I have to get dressed because everything in my closet reflects a healthier woman that I was a few years back. My tummy bulges over my jeans and my shirts ride up to show my stomach. Not a pretty site at all. 

I know the body I am in right now is just not me. For the time I am in it I have to adapt and I decided to do that today. I use to take pride in my appearance.  I was always put together and looked like a million bucks! Once I met my husband things changed. He is one of those guys who doesn't really care how he looks and how people see him. Sooner or later he slowly rubbed off on me. That is just not me.

I have felt lost for a little while now. I am just not "me." So today I got out the pair of jeans that fit, a shirt I finally got into, did my hair and makeup and went out. Even though it was just to my sons school it was so nice to feel like I looked good! Not just in some old tshirt to hide the roll that my pants were giving me. 

I love the body that I was blessed with. My boobs are pretty (even after 3 kids) and my booty is stellar! The belly is all I need to work on. It is a problem area and a HUGE health risk. 

So  here is to tomorrow (not Monday!) When I will find myself beautiful every day and will give up things that are not here to help me in my journey.

xoxoxo,

Kelly

 

 

Just A Little Frustrated!

Ok, here I go! Before I get on my "soap box" I want to say how very happy I am to have my hubby home! I was truly lost with out him and I am so glad that one quality I was given was being a strong woman. In my family I am the rock and although I had a "moment" a time or two I knew everything would be fine and now we have a new start and I can not wait to go shopping tomorrow to have a clean start on eating and I will begin to exercise and as soon as he is able he is ready for the gym. Today we are just enjoying the fact he is home. I am blogging because he is napping. 

Also, I have not talked about any devotionals because there are none on the weekend but they will be back tomorrow!

Ok, now on to my 2 frustrations that I am having right now...

First...This past week as been a blur. I am so thankful for the prayers and for my mom helping me with watching Cole so the patients in the hospital didn't lose their sanity. He is 2, so his attention span in a hospital is about 30 mins on a good day! What hurt though was they only time I asked anyone else for help it wasn't given. This one person I constantly help when ever it was needed could not go out of their way for me. It hurt. My husband feels that I am constantly taken advantage of by many people because I am the first one to help with anything. I thrive off of helping people. I love seeing a smile on a persons face and a thank you is great. There are times though when I need help to and I can not get it but then other people are constantly handed things. Would I quit helping people? Nope. I will always take the higher road and be the bigger person but it still doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. 

Second: I am a designer with Origami Owl. I started to do this as a hobby and now I see when I want to go with it. I like to do Fundraisers for people and I want to give a locket a month to a deserving person. For the first 2 months I personally picked. They are both girls who are being treated with cancer. I am also involved with a fundraiser for one of them and gave away a $40 gift card for the other. So I decided that it would be great to do a give-a-way a month on my facebook page to where anyone could nominate a person for a locket the only thing was they could not nominate themselves. Out of the almost 200 people that saw this post do you know how many submissions I received? Zero! If I saw that post I could have nominated 2 people right off the bat! I do not understand it. Also the fundraiser I am doing I have not sold anything and I am giving 100% of my commission to her family and even have a site just for donations. When I see a post for someone wanting money for anything or are doing a fundraiser 9 out of 10 times I help. No one ever helps with what I am doing but yet I can do a fundraiser for a sport and raise over $100 and it is so frustrating! I just do not get it! 

Ok stepping off of my soap box now. Please give me a second I am only 5 feet tall so it is a long way down!

Tomorrow we are back on track not only as having my husband back but it is also to eating healthy and having a better family structure. Enjoy the rest of your weekend and see you tomorrow!

xoxoxo,
Kelly

 
 

Waiting on a Man

So here I am waiting on my husband still to get done with his surgery. It is 5 and he went back at 12. Let's just say that I have extreme anxiety and panick attacks and this does not help at all. But the nurses are awesome and keep me updated as much as they can so I shall sit here and wait and blog. Heck what else is there to do???

With Day 5 I can once again relate to the message. Today it is Desperation breeds defeat. I have done that so many times in my life. My favorite part of the reading was this

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

I am always tempted by food and I can always seem to find a way to justify a reason to eat it so i won't feel so bad. Well I don't feel bad emotionally but physically I end up feeling like crap! But I see a change. Normally during this time with John in the hospital I would be finding food to stuff in my mouth just to feel better! Have I been perfect? Nope. But I have been better.

I am not eating out all 3 meals. Today I stopped at Chick Fil A and got a chicken sandwich. Before this I would have gotten a #1 Large with a sweet tea and pour on the mayo. Not this time. Could I have made a better choice? Ofcourse I could! I get that. But if it was that easy to reprogram yourself I would be a size 5 by now! You have to take the small steps sometimes and be happy with that and for once I am.

Tomorrow John should be coming home and him coming home is a new fresh start for the both of us. I have been trying to lose this weight since 2008 and I got even heavier once I had our son in 2010. There was a time though when i was healthy, loved the gym, ate well, and had a personal trainer. So I know the do's and don'ts I have just choosen not to use them.  So first thing will be a pantry raid! All the processed crap needs to go! 2nd is to bury the fryer! Yea I have a fryer in my house, My dad brought it when he moved in with us and I have hated it and since he leaves for Alabama tomorrow it is gone!

Before all of this though I am ready for some "me" time. So tonight I am going to color my hair and I bought some new makeup and a new outfit for tomorrow and I am going to take pride in myself again.

Hey he is finally out and now wants to eat! That is my hubby so take out it is but fried food it won't!

xoxoxo,
Kelly

Me and God...circa 1999

I was looking through all of my old Myspace blogs because that is where I started blogging and I wanted to share this particular one. It was a freeing moment in my life because I had let out so much in just a few paragraphs. I wrote it Aug. 22 1999...

I know...I know. Who though this would be a journal entry for me, right?I am going to start by saying this is extremely hard for me to write but I need to, I have to get this out. I may even surprise some of you...
I have had my best friend telling me for the past couple years that I need God in my life. I have always messed with him saying I am not drinking the Kool-aid and that he is just hiding behind the couch. Or sure I will go but I am bringing the rosary and making the sign of the cross (note: he is southern baptist and I was brought up catholic). So as most people know I am not very religious. What others have no idea about is that I use to be, I was tested at a very early age though and I lost my faith. I use to love to go to church with my friends but it all just changed in a minute.

When I was in middle school and was about 14 years old I had the best friend in the world. No one could come between us. She was a sister to me and a daughter to my parents. She didn't have the best life and we knew that but never fully understood until one night. She called me and told me she couldn't take it anymore and was going to kill herself. She had said it before and hey we were teenagers and could be a little dramatic. I told her I would call her later and I never did because I was watching a movie. A couple hours later her cousin came to my house to tell me my best friend was gone. That was the exact moment I lost any faith I had. Why wasn't there something to click in my head to call her back or say something to someone this time? Why did she have to go? She was too you...there was way more time for her here. We were going to go to college together and raise our kids together. Why would God take her from us? Why not just let her have a wake up call?  I asked myself those questions for the past 16 years and sometimes I still do. The guilt and blame I put on myself I have come to terms with a couple years ago.

After all that happened I refused to even go into a church. I didn't agree with any of it. It didn't matter. Then one day I went with my friend Jennifer to a southern baptist church (ok Charlie pick your jaw up off the floor please) and a feeling came over me that I can't explain. It scared me. I became so emotional I didn't know what to do. So I went and I calmed down. The min I went back into that church it all hit me again. As we all know I am not much of a crier but that is all I could do. Just thinking about it makes me remember those feelings.

Since then I have still questioned my faith giving people a hard time that tried to push it on me. Making jokes to friends to try and get them to leave it alone. I made sure the kids went though until Dakota's grandmother passed away. Even then they went to school at the church until they lost their grant. I have never wanted my children to go on the same path I ended up on. We all have our ups and downs but by the age of 18 if anyone would have seen they would have looked and saw a broken young lady with a very bad alcohol problem. I didn't need AA though to quit drinking like I use to cause we all know I do still drink. It took Dakota coming into my life to begin to show me the way. I do believe that she was sent to me to save my life and she did. She to this day is my angel and she has a part of my best friend with her always...her middle name. If you ever meet this girl although she is 10 now and is a pistol to say the least there is just something there that stays with you.

Now that I look back I truly see how much God has been there for me and I ignored him completely. But he still kept me on the right path (for the most part lol). If there is one thing I can say he has given me it is an amazing strength to get through some crazy situations. Everyone has drama and mine is few and far between but it seems like when it rains it pours on me. These past couple weeks have been no exception. I felt my world crumbling again. Knowing that I was going to have to move, the kids going back to school, etc I felt my world falling apart again. Then the one thing that I never expected to happen did (I'm leaving it at that) and I lost it. Knowing that it all works out in the end and I am strong and stubborn and would figure it all out I still let it get to me and affect others around me and it wasn't fair to any of us. There was a part of me saying calm down it is going to be ok but I didn't feel that way yet so as always I ignored it.

In these past two weeks I think I have prayed more then I ever had. Giving up my control and looking for answers. Seeing if for once what others have said and reading some peoples genesis if it was true if giving it all up and just asking God to come into my life again (Charlie I am really saying this) would help. I can say it has. Everything has been coming together and life has been a little better. I know that there are truly some things I have no control over. I also know that we will all be ok. One question has yet to be answered but it will shortly and it is worth it to wait. Patience is something I have never had but some people are just worth it.

What I can say is I have come to terms with what is given to me to deal with. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and that people come into your life for certain reasons. Some people stay and others are here for what they need to help you thru and then they go leaving you with something. Others are in and out and those people I know exactly why they are here. Then some people come into your life and you know and pray that they aren't the ones who leave. Let me tell you I have been doing a lot pf praying for that right about now.

I am not sure what is in store for myself and my family. But this is what I do know...

I have let God back into my heart and life but I am not ready to face going into a church. There is still a lot of emotion there I am trying to come to terms with. You still have your wish of me going on Christmas eve (cause that's when the sinin family goes lol) and maybe before just not quite yet.

I also know everyone has a purpose and I still don't know 100% what mine is but I do know that I was put here to be a mother and to take care of people. That I feel is why I do the things that I do for people. But I also feel I was given this strength and have not used it the way I should. I need to stand up for myself more and there are things I need to do. It is for the good of my children and that is all that matters.

I lost my way for a long time and it took people who care about me to show me the way a little. Then the rest was up to me and still is...

A Little Rambling Never Felt so Good!

Day 4: Are cravings chasing you?
My favorite part from what I read was this...

I believe God made us to crave. Now, before you think this is some sort of cruel joke by God, let me assure you that the object of our craving was never supposed to be food, sex, money, or chasing after significance.

Well now here is the hard part. At one time all the things I craved were the things I was never suppose to crave! I wanted it all! And the more I wanted the less I became. To be honest there was a time in my life I truly didn't know who I had become. I would chalk it up to "living life." Now that I look back I was drowning! 

I do not feel I ever craved everything at once. It was more like I would go from one to the next. When one would get old I would go to another. At the end of the day the one I loved the most was food. It was a craving that was comfort, love, forgiveness all wrapped up in to one. Or so I thought. Food was my way to keep emotions in and a happy exterior for the world to see. 

Now that I see I need to get back on track I have to learn how to say no. The craving became an addiction. I am stronger than this addiction and now that I had a heart to heart with my hubby for once I know this is something that can controlled.

I feel that I am rambling tonight and maybe even repeating myself. I hope to get back to a more normal life by the weekend when my husband comes home. I have never felt more lost. Actually I take that back. Today I took Cole to my moms and had planned on having him stay the night with her and not having him or his dad with me I just wanted to cry and felt like I couldn't function.   

If there is one thing in life I have a need to do it is take care of people. If I do not have someone who needs me I do not feel whole. I am even feeding off of my husband being in the hospital. I am making him broths so he has something other than yucky hospital food and constantly needs me to help him out right now. Cole is 2 and still needs me to do things for him. Although I will be happy when he is potty trained and no longer needs help with the diapers, that is one thing I can let go of. With both of them gone no one needed me! My other 2 children even though I wanted to do everything for them when they were younger are very independent and don't ask for much help.

Needless to say I brought him home but he will stay tomorrow night because the surgery will be over, he will be coming home on Saturday, and for the 1st time in a week I will be able to breathe and I will have some me time. I am going to go buy a new dress, wash the grey out of my hair, and maybe even buy some new make up. Then I am going to write a blog about God and my relationship with him. I think it is the perfect timing. I feel this because the day I bring my husband home from the hospital is the same day we push re-start on our lives. I feel so much lighter already and I haven't lost a pound!

xoxoxo,

Kelly

 

You are My Sunshine...

The past 2 days have been a fog and I think I may stay in it for a couple more. There is one thing that is certain though I have had a "come to Jesus" moment today. I have been trying to figure out what it is going to take to make me see that I can be a better person and not live with this battle with food for the rest of my life and the answer was clear...my Sunshine!

Ok let me back up a bit. My husband is in the hospital right now and will be having his gallbladder removed. I am here with 3 kids trying to keep everything afloat, including myself. The worst part is explaining it to our 2 year old son, Cole. Good luck with that lol. Last night it was his first night without his daddy and it was so hard. The only way I could calm him down was to sing "his" song, you are my sunshine about 20 times in a row. The look on his face is heart breaking when we leave the hospital and daddy can't come too. I will now never do this to my kids. Granted there are times we can't help it like this one but the times that can be prevented I want to do just that...prevent.

I will no longer let food get to me. It will be hard and I am sure I will fall from time to time but I will not let it get me down or quit. When John gets home he is going to change too. I want him around for a long time and so does Cole and I don't want to let him down any longer. 

Now on to my 30 day challenge. You are getting 2 days in one since yesterday I did not blog.

Day 2: Overweight physically and underweight spiritually
Yup that is me! I don't want it to be anymore though. I am taking the steps and the first one was joining this group. 

Day 3: Excuse me! Pass the shame...please!
Once again I can see myself! This one hits very close to home! If you look at this blog from the beginning I have started and stopped, gone from one diet to the next, and sometimes even telling myself I am fine just the way I am. Maybe God wanted me to look like this. I still can't believe that I even thought that. While reading this devotional the end paragraph spoke volumes to me and I feel the need to share...

"We need a power beyond our frail attempts and fragile resolve. We need strength greater than our taste buds, hormones, temptations, and our inborn female demand for chocolate. Yes, the truth of who we are and the power to live out that truth — that’s what we need. So, say it out loud with me today: I was made for more!"

It is so true! I am made for more! I will no longer make one excuse after another. I want to be with my Sunshines for so many more years and spend my rocking years with my husband. So even with everything that is going on tomorrow I will make healthier choices and I will exercise! 

xoxoxo,

Kelly

 

Can I Ever Get on Track???

Wow I have not blogged in a long time. I was ready to start on a new me and here I am still trying to put one foot in front of the other. Sure I have made a step here and there and then I take a step right back to where I am comfortable. Here are some of the things I have tried...

Advocare: Great product. I lost some weight, felt great, but just couldn't get past all the pills I had to take. I am not a fan of pills. Daily vitamins great! 15 pills a day? Not for me. Love the SPARK to get me going though that stuff is awesome!

It Works...the wraps. LOVE them! I am about to become a loyal customer and I think they may help. Are they going to make you lose weight? Nope not with just the wraps. But they do take the inches off. In our heads of course we want to see results quickly and with doing these wraps it gives you a boost!

The PINK Method...a great workout plan for women! I love it and will probably use it again but I have moved on...

10 min trainer...This is my new workout love and if you have never heard of it...check it out!

I have also joined a lovely group of ladies starting today. It is the 30 Day Made to Crave Challenge on Facebook. Each day there is a devotional to read. This goes beyond just getting some pounds off. This is for the mind, body, and soul. It is out of my comfort zone. I have never been one to really talk about faith and my relationship or lack of with God. I never really linked the 2 of them together until now. To be honest I had to look up what it meant to be a "God fearing" person. I do not go to church. I have not gone since I was in school. I will go into this tomorrow or I will be up all night! 

I hope that this group is the key because I am so scared. I can not keep up with my son. My 2 year old can out run me! As I am writing this I am also watching Long Island Medium and I see this child and their parent is no longer with them and I do not want to do that to my kids. I just don't understand why this is so hard! How did I become this addicted? What do I do? Where do I turn? I have always felt that addiction is all in your head and it is mind over matter but I can not get a handle on this! 

For the next 30 days I will do this challenge. Although today was not the greatest I have to prevail and I know I saw a post to join this group for a reason and now I can not let it go to waste. So here we go yet again...please don't give up on me because I am trying to hard to not give up on myself.

xoxoxo,
Kelly