I was looking through all of my old Myspace blogs because that is where I started blogging and I wanted to share this particular one. It was a freeing moment in my life because I had let out so much in just a few paragraphs. I wrote it Aug. 22 1999...
I know...I know. Who though this would
be a journal entry for me, right?I am going to start by saying this is
extremely hard for me to write but I need to, I have to get this out. I
may even surprise some of you...
I have had
my best friend telling me for the past couple years that I need God in
my life. I have always messed with him saying I am not drinking the
Kool-aid and that he is just hiding behind the couch. Or sure I will go
but I am bringing the rosary and making the sign of the cross (note: he
is southern baptist and I was brought up catholic). So as most people
know I am not very religious. What others have no idea about is that I
use to be, I was tested at a very early age though and I lost my faith. I
use to love to go to church with my friends but it all just changed in a
minute.
When I was in middle school and was about 14 years old I
had the best friend in the world. No one could come between us. She was a
sister to me and a daughter to my parents. She didn't have the best
life and we knew that but never fully understood until one night. She
called me and told me she couldn't take it anymore and was going to kill
herself. She had said it before and hey we were teenagers and could be a
little dramatic. I told her I would call her later and I never did
because I was watching a movie. A couple hours later her cousin came to
my house to tell me my best friend was gone. That was the exact moment I
lost any faith I had. Why wasn't there something to click in my head to
call her back or say something to someone this time? Why did she have
to go? She was too you...there was way more time for her here. We were
going to go to college together and raise our kids together. Why would
God take her from us? Why not just let her have a wake up call? I asked
myself those questions for the past 16 years and sometimes I still do.
The guilt and blame I put on myself I have come to terms with a couple
years ago.
After all that happened I refused to even go into a
church. I didn't agree with any of it. It didn't matter. Then one day I
went with my friend Jennifer to a southern baptist church (ok Charlie
pick your jaw up off the floor please) and a feeling came over me that I
can't explain. It scared me. I became so emotional I didn't know what
to do. So I went and I calmed down. The min I went back into that church
it all hit me again. As we all know I am not much of a crier but that
is all I could do. Just thinking about it makes me remember those
feelings.
Since then I have still questioned my faith giving
people a hard time that tried to push it on me. Making jokes to friends
to try and get them to leave it alone. I made sure the kids went though
until Dakota's grandmother passed away. Even then they went to school at
the church until they lost their grant. I have never wanted my children
to go on the same path I ended up on. We all have our ups and downs but
by the age of 18 if anyone would have seen they would have looked and
saw a broken young lady with a very bad alcohol problem. I didn't need
AA though to quit drinking like I use to cause we all know I do still
drink. It took Dakota coming into my life to begin to show me the way. I
do believe that she was sent to me to save my life and she did. She to
this day is my angel and she has a part of my best friend with her
always...her middle name. If you ever meet this girl although she is 10
now and is a pistol to say the least there is just something there that
stays with you.
Now that I look back I truly see how much God has
been there for me and I ignored him completely. But he still kept me on
the right path (for the most part lol). If there is one thing I can say
he has given me it is an amazing strength to get through some crazy
situations. Everyone has drama and mine is few and far between but it
seems like when it rains it pours on me. These past couple weeks have
been no exception. I felt my world crumbling again. Knowing that I was
going to have to move, the kids going back to school, etc I felt my
world falling apart again. Then the one thing that I never expected to
happen did (I'm leaving it at that) and I lost it. Knowing that it all
works out in the end and I am strong and stubborn and would figure it
all out I still let it get to me and affect others around me and it
wasn't fair to any of us. There was a part of me saying calm down
it is going to be ok but I didn't feel that way yet so as always I
ignored it.
In these past two weeks I think I have prayed more
then I ever had. Giving up my control and looking for answers. Seeing if
for once what others have said and reading some peoples genesis if it
was true if giving it all up and just asking God to come into my life
again (Charlie I am really saying this) would help. I can say it has.
Everything has been coming together and life has been a little better. I
know that there are truly some things I have no control over. I also
know that we will all be ok. One question has yet to be answered but it
will shortly and it is worth it to wait. Patience is something I have
never had but some people are just worth it.
What I can say is I
have come to terms with what is given to me to deal with. I am a firm
believer that everything happens for a reason and that people come into
your life for certain reasons. Some people stay and others are here for
what they need to help you thru and then they go leaving you with
something. Others are in and out and those people I know exactly why
they are here. Then some people come into your life and you know and
pray that they aren't the ones who leave. Let me tell you I have been
doing a lot pf praying for that right about now.
I am not sure what is in store for myself and my family. But this is what I do know...
I
have let God back into my heart and life but I am not ready to face
going into a church. There is still a lot of emotion there I am trying
to come to terms with. You still have your wish of me going on Christmas
eve (cause that's when the sinin family goes lol) and maybe before just
not quite yet.
I also know everyone has a purpose and I still
don't know 100% what mine is but I do know that I was put here to be a
mother and to take care of people. That I feel is why I do the things
that I do for people. But I also feel I was given this strength and have
not used it the way I should. I need to stand up for myself more and
there are things I need to do. It is for the good of my children and
that is all that matters.
I lost my way for a long time and it
took people who care about me to show me the way a little. Then the rest
was up to me and still is...
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