Day 89...Cycle 1 Day 9...What an I Fearing the Most?

Today has been an ok kinda day. This rain is killing my workouts! I downloaded an app for working out and it is by Jillian Michaels. But I didn't do it today but I am not going to freak out or anything I will just make sure that I am doing it tomorrow.

But there is a couple of things I am freaking out about and it all surrounds this weekend. As I have said before I am leaving for Atlanta this weekend with John and this is going to be the longest I have ever been away from Cole. Also this is the furthest I have been. Don't worry he is going to be at my moms in good hands and we are going to Skype every night so I can see him and sing him the Tigger song. But, it's just not the same and I am sure I will be crying my eyes out when I leave him just like I did the first time I ever let him go. But we need this little break. It is only for the weekend and we will be back Monday as soon as we wake up we are outta there! But I will miss my Boogies.

The other thing that I am afraid about is ofcourse I am going on a mini vacation on a diet! To be perfectly honest I am not scared about the food I think that I have that under control. It is the exercising. Luckily I did book a hotel that has a gym and since I don't get the luxury of a gym right now I am going to look at it as the silver lining. I am also making a promise to myself that I am going to go work out in that gym every day and I might even sneek one last workout in on Monday while John is eating his waffles (had to get a hotel that had free breakfast and waffles lol). To keep me on track to I am going to try and blog because I will have the laptop with me.

(ok taking a break from the blog I have to wash the grey out of my hair)

Ok now I am back to wrap this up for the night...

Exercise:
Cleaning out the fridge! Yup it counts cause I scrubbed the whole thing down

Breakfast:
2 scrambled eggs,grapes, and strawberries
Lunch:
chicken, salad, brunswick stew
Dinner:
Chicken, carrots, and corn
Drinks:
2 glasses of green tea, all the water!

See you tomorrow when I talk about what I hope the scale says next week and something I feel now that I have the ball rolling!

xoxoxo,
Kelly

Day 87: Cycle 1 Day 8...Weigh In Day!

*Yes I know there is a day missing but let's face it, yesterday was rainy and crappy so there was nothing to write home about. The only thing I need to do now if figure out what I can do to workout when it is raining*

So today is weigh in day! Am I going to tell you right off the bat? Well what fun will that be? NONE! So I am going to let you know what I have gotten out of this past week with this new plan I am on...

• My blood pressure is normal! Since I had Dustin I was unable to get it down and I thought that I was going to have to be on pills at my age. Well just by eating healthy in the past 7 days I have gotten in back to normal. It is great to see the air is on 68 in the house and be cold when before I was sweating.
• I have will power! I have said before that when I go out to eat I always have the best of intentions but then my mouth blurts out all the wrong things! Not anymore! Even at home I do not snack on what the kids didn't eat at dinner (those golden oreros are evil though they are constantly taunting me).
• I love to exercise. Actually I knew that I just didn't realize how mush I missed it. Sure I wish I had the gym equipment but I am getting a better workout outside because I would be on a treadmill and instead I am in the sand (sugar sand at that) and lets face it, it's way harder to jog in that. 
• You really can have support in the family. This is the first time I have really had support in doing this. John hasn't been eating too much off the plan (when we are out he can eat whatever) and even my dad has been on board (but I still can't get him to use the spray butter), and finally the kids are trying. Kota is now a fan of turkey burgers and Dustin has quit asking me if I want a bite of all his snacks. The one thing we all agree on is that we can't wait to have red meat in the house again!
• I love my mommy time! When I work out for the most part John has been watching Boogies when he can. It is nice to just walk and jog and clear my head. Right now I am getting 30 mins in but I hope to start to get an hour in soon. It's the one time each day I can relax.

So there you have it that is what I have learned in just 7 days. I truly love this diet and I can see it in the end being a lifestyle change. Please if you need to lose some weight and are so sick of trying everything take this for a spin. It is easy to follow! www.17daydiet.com If you need anymore proof keep reading...

Last weeks weight: 203 lbs
This weeks weight: 195 lbs
Total Weight loss: 8 lbs!!!!

Exercise:
30 min walk/jog

Breakfast:
None :(
Lunch:
Salad, corn, carrots, green beans, broccoli, and chicken
Dinner:
1 bun-less turkey burger, mixed veggies, and snap peas
Snack:
Sugar free peach yogurt
Drinks:
2 glasses of green tea and eight 8oz glasses of water

So there you go! Tomorrow I will talk about what is killing my anxiety. Time for bed now!

xoxoxo,
Kelly

Day 84&85...Cycle 1 Days 5 and 6

Note: From now on I am going to blog the full weekend on Sunday.

So you have to wonder...did I stick to the diet? And the answer is...yup I sure did. There were a couple places that I fell short I did not however eat anything that I was not allowed to. The only thing I did not accomplish was I did not exercise on Sat. But don't fret becuse I ended up working out 30 minutes today to make up for yesterday.

I am so proud of myself for sticking to it for the whole weekend! This is the time when we are always on the go and eat out constantly. But to be honest it just didn't bother me. We stopped to get gas on Saturday and we normally always go in and get the kids a treat. Well this this Dustin did get his treat and I went straight to the water and grabbed some apples. Now at the rodeo I was a little bothered...they have these amazing bbq sandwiches that I always look forward to but I did not get one. But then this skinny chic who had a baby younger than Cole was sitting there eating one right in front of me! I just wanted to slap her lol.

Today was so great! I went for my 30 minute jog/walk and my trusty guard dog Flash stayed with me the whole time. I guess he was doing that because no one was with me so he was protecting me. Too cute and I love that dog so much. Granted he is only a bassett hound but he will bark at anyone probably thinking he is a big dog lol.

Ok so here we go...

Saturday:
Exercise: None
Breakfast: Sugar free yogurt
Lunch: grilled chicken tenderloins, green beans, and salad
Dinner: pulled chicken, green beans, brunswick stew
Fruits: Apples
Drinks: eight 8oz glasses of water, 2 glasses of sweet tea

Sunday:
Exercise: 30 minutes
Breakfast: 2 scrambled eggs, grapes, and strawberries
Lunch: chicken fagitas (only the chicken and veggies)
Dinner: 2 turkey burgers, carrots, and broccoli
Drinks: 2 glasses of green tea and five 8oz glasses of water

Now after finishing the chapter of my book I realized I am not exercising enough. I am suppose to do 17 mins in the morning and 17 in the evening. So I am going to start exercising with my biggest loser again in the morning and continuing my walks in the evening.

So that is it for tonight. I am going to keep Sundays post short and sweet because I need my sleep because the week is going to be busy! But tomorrow I am going to talk about what is sending my anxiety through the roof!

xoxoxo,
Kelly

Day 81...Cycle 1 Day 4...I am fearing tomorrow!

Right now I am pretty freaked out about tomorrow. The weekends are always the worst for me when I am on a diet. We are always on the go, I never have everything I need with me, and exercise goes out the window. And that's when I seem to throw in the towel. I am trying to prepare myself not to fail. I am going to keep my pink cup with me where ever I go (let me tell you having a 32oz bottle you only have to drink 2 of is so much better than trying to count 8 cups), I am going to exercise before I go anywhere, and I will not go anywhere to eat that doesn't have chicken or salad (Sonny's it is!).

On another not I was able to spend time with my sister today. I swear she meets up with me at lunch time on purpose.I can't let a pregnant woman starve so I asked her where she wanted to eat (hey when you are pregnant it get to decide). So, what do you think a pregnant woman wants to eat...yup a buffet! So off to Golden Corral we went. The whole way there I was just thinking about what I could have. So we got there and then where do we sit? The worst place ever! Right in front of the bakery (not gonna lie they make carrot cake cup cakes and they looked yummy! Key word there is looked not tasted).But I ate what I was allowed to and was full and left.

Exercise: 15 mins of walking jogging
******I ran for 2 minutes straight today!!!!****** I have not done that since I had my personal trainer about 5 years ago so I am really proud of myself!

Breakfast: Scrambled eggs and grapes

Lunch: Chicken Garden Salad, 4 small pieces of bourbon chicken, carrots, and corn

Dinner: Garden Salad, Grilled Chicken Breast, corn, and green beans

Snack: Sugar free plain yogurt, apples, and grapes

Drinks: 2 glasses of green tea and all my water

There is a lot more on my mind but my body want to sleep...

xoxoxo,
Kelly

Day 83, Cycle 1 Day 3...Sonny didn't peer pressure me!

I have been so proud of myself today! It was my first attempt to eat out and we went to sonny's. Did I order a sweet tea? Nope! Did I order a pulled pork big deal on garlic bread with french fries? No Way! I was even going to go have the salad bar but as soon as I started thinking about all the maccaroni salad and chicken salad and all that bed stuff I decided to stay away. I was so proud of mself it still makes me smile to finally realize I do have some of that will power they talk about!

I fogot that I never told you about the goals that I have set for myself. They are small goals but goals none the less. My first one is to be able to fit in my Wrangers and my new shirts I got for when we goto Wrestle Mania next weekend. It isn't a huge goal I would say 5 lbs would put me there but I will just be happy to get in my Wranglers and be able to breathe! I'm not sure when the next small goal will be I am just taking it one week at a time for goals and one day at a time with my eating.

Exercise: 15 mins of speed walking and jogging (when you change your workout time on the app I use it kicks up the intensity the shorter the workout)

Breakfast: Scrambled eggs, grapes, and strawberries

Snack:Sugar free blueberry yogurt

Lunch: Chicken lunch (pulled all the skin off), green beans, and corn (no butter was used)

Dinner: Chicken Fajitas (just the chicken and veggies)

Drinks: 2 cups of green tea and eight 8oz glasses of water

I didn't get my 2nd yogurt or fruit in today but since my portions have changed I am beginning to feel fuller quicker.

But I can say by now I am wiped out! So nighty night!

xoxoxo,
Kelly

Day 82...Cycle 1 Day 2 Me Aganist the French Fries!

OK I am going to make this pretty short and sweet because I am so tired! Between getting use to the diet, getting exercise in, and doing my normal things I am so tired! SO here we go...

I will always put the cycle and day from now on. There are 4 cycles and I am on the first and then I put the day because each cycle has 17 days and I am counting them down. On my second day I was able to eat a lot more (I got to go to the grocery store), and got my exercise in as well (I even did a little jogging). Is the temptations still there? Of course, I want a soda and I am not making my kids stick to this so I am still making foods that I love! Like french fries! Oh the french fries today! I made them for the kids and when I took the pan out of the oven (I do not fry anything in the house diet or not) they were so beautiful! But I did NOT break! I made my salad and ate that and then some chicken and had my glass of green tea and all was right with the world.

The worst thing so far is that when you go through this cycle you are getting rid of all the bad junk that is in your body and all that water I am drinking I am in the bathroom non stop! But you don't want to hear about that so on to my day...

Exercise: 30 min walk/jog with my boogies

Breakfast: 2 scrambled eggs, grapes, and strawberries

Snack: Sugar free peach yogurt

Lunch: Salad with chicken and fat free thousand island dressing (I threw that crap out right after I tried it back to the balsamic vinaigrette tomorrow)

Snack: sugar free plain yogurt with an apple and grapes (I like to dunk them in the yogurt)

Dinner: Taco salad (turkey with taco mix, lettuce, taco sauce and low fat cheese)
              Some chicken breast (you can have all the protein you want!)

Drinks: 2 glasses of green tea and eight 8oz glasses of water.

OK that's it for the night I am going to bed so I can start all over tomorrow!

xoxoxo,
Kelly

Day 81...The 17 Day Diet is Here!

It finally came the other day! I got my 17 day diet book and I am in love! I will have to say that this first 17 day cycle (there are 4) is gonna be a little tough for me. You are allowed to have a lot of veggies, fruits, fish, turkey,chicken, as well as other things. My only problem is I hate fish and won't eat it so I have to take a fish oil pill to get my Omega 3.

I am going to let you know how this goes everyday and I will let you know what I have eaten and drank but there will not be a calorie count because you don't have to count them! Isn't that the best thing ever. And I will also write down my exercise (only 17 minutes is asked of you each day!) So let's see how this first 17 day cycle goes. If you want to check out the book I saw that you don;t have to order it anymore because I saw it when I was shopping at Publix.

Starting Weight: 203 lbs (nope not happy about that number at all but they say you will lose between 10 and 12 lbs in this first cycle)

Exercise: 30 minute walk with Cole

Breakfast: 2 scrambled eggs with ketchup

Lunch: salad with balsamic vinagrette dressing

Dinner: chicken stirfry

Drinks: eight 8oz glasses of water and a glass of green tea

Please don't think this is all you can eat! I was not able to goto the grocery store till tonight (I have a very teething baby!) but tomorrow you will see a totally different menu because I got tons more food!

Well I am going to get some sleep now Cole is very fussy with a slight fever with this teething.

xoxoxo,
Kelly

Day 76...Hard Questions with Truthful Answers!

So as I have talked about before I am following the 12 step program that Ruby is putting on her blog. I have already admitted that I am powerless over my eating. Now there are a bunch of questions that I have to look inside myself and answer. So here we go...  (and if you see something on here that I didn't remember or you want to put in some feedback let me know). And at the end of the questions I will let you know what has been going on with me.

Step 1 - I admit that I am powerless over my addiction (food)and that my life has become unmanageable

Have you seriously damaged your relationships with other people because of your addictive behaviors? If so, list the relationships and how you damaged them.

I truly don't think so.


If other people have told you how you how your have hurt them, then write down what they said.
People have told me that I have hurt them by not listening to them or anyone for that matter and just doing what I want to do.

Describe any missed appointments that resulted from your addictive behaviors.
I have missed doctors appointments because I don't want to be told that I need to lose weight and that I need to be on medications. I even took myself off of the blood pressure medicine because I don't want to feel like anything is wrong.

Describe any memory lapses where you cannot account for where you were.
I can not think of a time that I can't account for where I was when it came to food but I can say that I had that happen when I use to drink a lot and this is before I had Dakota.

Describe any times that you cannot recall how you got home.
Once again that was before I had an eating problem and before I had Dakota.

Describe times and ways that you have significantly neglected or damaged relationships with your loved ones in order to indulge in your addictive behaviors or because you were recovering from your addictive behaviors.
Since I have gotten bigger and bigger my issues have gotten worse about going out in public and in crowds. So I would blow friends off when it would come to going to dinner, just going to their house, or even returning phone calls. I just worry that people are talking about me and what I look like. I am scared that when we go out I will order too much and will be looked at. 

Describe any illnesses that have resulted from your addictive behaviors.

The only known illness so far is the high blood pressure. But I do know that I have been having bas acid reflux as well as heart burn. I do think that also has to do with my depression as well as my slight OCD. I can't deal with big crowds, clutter, anything I feel I can manage, oh and don't forget the driving!

If your addictive behavior contributed to excessive spending, describe the situations and why you did it.

After doing our business taxes for the year we spent over $4,000 just in eating out. That is not even what we spent in cash or at the grocery store or kwik king! That is how we celebrate, spend quality time together, eat lunch out every day because we are always out during lunch time etc.

Describe times that you have withdrawn from social interaction and isolated yourself to an extreme degree and why.
Since I have had Cole I have gone out once with someone other than John. I am so ashamed of how I look and I don't want the people at the club to see me like this. I know they will smile in front of me but what will they say when I leave? John is my safe zone and I always want to be with him because I enjoy his company and then I have a reason why I need to decline going out.

Describe incidents where you expressed inappropriate anger towards other people.
I do this all the time. I will lash out at anyone when I want something to eat especially when I want to go out to eat (which is almost every day). I will give you the silent treatment one minute and then go to total witch the next.
I get angry when people aren't doing things the way I want them done and I know I make them feel like they are stupid.I know it is what I say and the tone in my voice.

Describe embarrassing or humiliating incidents in your life. Were they related to your addictive behaviors? If so, how were they related?
Barely being able to get up in John's truck. It just takes a lot to jump up in it and the more I do it in a day the harder it gets. I just get tired and kinda short too.
Having to take 30 mins just to find something to wear because nothing fits. This has happened since I had Cole I have not lost the baby weight. It makes me feel defeated every time but at the same time I don't want to buy anything bigger.
Having people ask me if I am pregnant.And looking in the mirror and realizing why they ask.

Describe attempts that you have made in the past to control your addictive behaviors.How successful have they been?
I have had gym memberships, a personal trainer, taken diet pills, fasted, and just eaten better. For my anxiety and OCD they tried to put me on pills but I hated them so I quit taking them and said I will do it on my own. I have for over 10 years but lately it has been getting harder and harder to manage. 

Do these attempts show the powerlessness that you have over your addictive behaviors?
Some of them do, When I had the gym membership and the trainer it was great! When my exhusband didn't like the fact I was looking good he didn't let me go anymore (all of a sudden we didn't have the money). And not taking the pills for my anxiety and managing it on my own has given me power. Now the pills, fasting and everything else just made me feel like a failure because I gained it all back.

Do you feel any remorse from the ways that you have acted in your life? If so, explain that in detail.
I do feel remorse. I wish that I wouldn't have lashed out at people in my life that didn't deserve it just because I was upset that I made myself fat. I have yelled at them, given them guilt trips, and just wanted them to feel as bad as I do.
I feel remorse for not being a good friend. I have put them all to the side because I am so worried about what people will say about me when they see what I look like now and I have not worried about the most important thing...the friendship.
I feel remorseful for leading my kids down the same path. I have become the drive thru mom and I am showing them bad habits and I don't want them to go down this same unhealthy road.

Describe any irrational or crazy set of events that have happened since you began you addictive behavior. Did you rationalize this behavior? If so, in what way?
Since I began this behavior my best friend died, my parent got a divorce, I had my 1st child at 19, 2nd at 21, and then 3rd at 30. I have 3 kids with 3 different men, I ended up with high anxiety and panic attacks, I have OCD tendencies, I got married to a man I shouldn't have, had my 3rd child when I was still married (oh wait I still am), I am sure there is more but this is what I have got so far. I can rationalize it all in my head! My friend died and it is my fault in some way, parents getting divorced was all them, 3 kids with 3 different men well that just happened and I loved them all in some way, anxiety was the problems I had in school, got married because it was "the right" thing to do, had a child when I wasn't divorced yet cause I would be divorced by now if it wasn't so expensive and he wasn't such a jerk at times. I can tell you my excuse for everything.

Have you avoided people because they did not share in or approve of your addictive behavior? If so, list these people and situations.

Nope, we all love to eat!

Describe any dreams that you have had that exhibit the unmanageability or chaos of your life.
I have been dreaming lately of a snake trying to bite me and I fight him off but he keeps coming back at me (so far I always wake up before I get bitten)

Can you pinpoint one time period in your life when your life began to become extremely unmanageable? If so, describe that period of time and what was happening. 
Right after I graduated high school. I began drinking really heavily and just partied constantly. I lost my job, didn't care about anything but drinking. And then I became pregnant. It was the first time that I didn't have tons of rules from my parents and I went a little too crazy with that power. I could pin point a couple others too but it just asked for one.

Is there one incident or insight that made you realize that your life was unmanageable? If so, describe it in detail. 
Lately it is just the feeling of being overwhelmed. Nothing is ever clean enough, everything is cluttered in my mind. All I want to do is eat out. I love it. I want to go in and ask for the salad but nope I order the fried food! I don't have enough time in the day to get everything done and if I don't get it done I feel like a failure and I just eat which makes me fail at losing this weight. In the end I just feel like a big fat failure lately.

How would you summarize the powerlessness and unmanageability of your life in the face of your addiction? 
I feel like a failure that what I do to try to fix it is never good enough and when it starts to go good I stop and then fail again.

It seems like these days God is telling me to wake up, well us for that matter. John was yelled at by his doctor today and I know I would get yelled at as well. This is what we needed and now I think he will be on the same page as me. My book should be here tomorrow and I am looking for better days ahead!

John also put together Cole's jogging stroller today so I can't wait to test it tomorrow!

xoxoxo,
Kelly

Day 74...The Only Way to go is UP!

I haven't been on in a couple of days because I have just not been myself. I have been tired and the back pain has been so severe I have just wanted to crawl in bed and sleep at night. Then to add insult to injury I weighed myself.

I stepped on the scale yesterday morning just to see what was going on with me and as I looked down to see myself stuck on the same number as I always do I know my expression just stopped. The number was nothing like it normally was. I have gained weight. Enough to the point that I am now officially over 200 lbs. This is the biggest I have even been. I just wanted to cry. How could I left myself do this? Is this really worth it! No wonder I feel like crap. So what did I do? What any other chunky butt would. I ate and drank lots of soda. Instead of crying I decided to drown it.

Since then I have been pretty freakin depressed. But I am also seeing things with open eyes. For instance, I am always talking about how I wish people would put me first sometimes like I do them. Well yesterday John thought of me while he was out and brought me something home. What was it? Potato wedges! I love them don't get me wrong but that was what he thought of to bring me home. Now I am not in any way upset with John. Every now and then I bring him his favorite candy home but I also know other things that aren't food related that I bring him as well. I am just amazed that this is what I have become. Whenever I go out with anyone I know that we will eat out atleast once. When my dad comes over he always brings me a soda.

Dustin yesterday,bless his heart. Came out with his bag of chips and asked me if I wanted any. I said no thank you. He then replied ok mom but I will leave you some any way because I know you will eat it later. And well, I scarfed it down as soon as he went in his room.

After that we went to the grocery store and I went to the meat and produce and barely went through the other aisles at all. Let's face, if I keep this up I am going to die. So we had shish ka bobs last night. I have looked up a lot of recipes and I hope to get on the right track. I am also still waiting on my 17 day diet book to get here.

I'm at a loss right now. I am still kinda depressed because nothing fits. I feel alone even though everyone is around me. I just feel like I am going nowhere fast but only have myself to blame.

So I hope that tomorrow is my new day and I can go walk/jog and take some me time. I want to get this going so much but I never seem to have time to exercise. I kinda get it in my head that if I can't exercise that who cares about the eating cause if I don;t have both I'm never going to be able to get this.

As for the 12 step program I am having to do some soul searching for what I need to do next but I will post it was soon as I am done.

xoxoxo,
Kelly

Day 71...I Have a Food Hang Over!

Wow, I remember the days of going out to the club and drinking a little too much but having a blast with the girls. The next morning you feel crappy but it was fun. You say you will never do it again but let's face it within a month you might do it again lol.

But tonight I have a new hangover, and I haven't even gone to sleep yet. I have to begin to listen to my body because it is screaming at me right now. I don't want to forget how I am feeling either so instead of sleeping this off I want to write about it so I will remember.

Today John and I were out all day and we ended up at Maryland's chicken where I had 2 fried chicken breasts, mashed potatoes, and mac salad. Then for dinner we had Osaka's and I had steak, chicken, rice, veggies, and noodles. Oh and the salad and soup. It is safe to say I didn't even eat half of the meal because I was already feeling horrible. Then after I got home I am feeling even worse so this is the warning I am giving myself (who knows it might be something that you want to put on your fridge too so you will remember the after effects of eating the crap we are putting in our bodies)...

WARNING:

Kelly Watch What You are Going to Eat

Remember What Happens When it is BAD for You

• Heartburn
• Constant Feeling You Are Going to get Sick
• Your Tummy is Gonna HURT
• You are so Uncomfortable You Can't Sleep
• There is Nothing You Can do to Make it go Away!

So there it is a little insight to how I am going to feel if I am going to put this toxic stuff in my body. I am going shopping tomorrow and if it doesn't come in its natural state for the most part I am not going to eat it. I would rather eat healthy and feel great than eat the bad food (as good as it might taste) and feel this bad. There will be days I might have a craving but I will still have to find the healthiest option.

Well I am going to go toss and turn now cause I don't know when I am going to get some sleep. Oh and say a little prayer and keep your fingers crossed for my friend Alissa who is putting in her application to be on the Biggest Loser! I would love to do something like that but I could never be away from my kids that long. Now I could be all over the show Heavy!

xoxoxo,

Kelly

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Day 70...Step 1...Lets see if this works

DENIAL = DON'T EVEN KNOW I AM LYING!!! (Thanks Ruby! I saw this and it justhit home!)

As I stated in my last blog I love Ruby! She is an inspiration and very real. She shows her ups and downs and makes you feel as if you can do it too! So she has started a blog and is doing the 12 step program. I have heard that using the 12 step program but substituting alcohol or drugs for food is what you do. So I figure I am on board because I am so puzzled right now. Since I have listed "My Truths" I think that the eating has gotten worse.

I just don't seem to care until after. I just don't get it. I want to lose this weight so bad but instead I am just holding on to it. I hate that I am doing this and greatly dislike myself for it. I want to be happy and healthy so bad but I just can't figure out why I am not doing it! So I am going to try this to see if I can get to the bottom of it. I also think I need to get on a stricter eating plan so I am waiting on my copy of the 17 day diet to come in. If you follow it you can lose up to 12 lbs on the first 17 day cycle that will put me right before I go to Atlanta at the beginning of next month and I would love to get into one pair of my Wranglers and just be comfortable.

I know that I have been going back and forth on this and I hope that no one is giving up on me. I know I have tried to do this so many times that people normally give up on me or just feel like I am going to fail again or that I just can't do it. Kinda depressing but I just need to believe in me.

Ok on to the 1st step...

We admitted we were powerless over  Food__and

Emotions_________
 that our lives had become unmanageable.

I am truly powerless over food and my emotions. That's why they call it emotional eating! I get so upset that I can't do things, or buy things that I need, or my family needs me so I push myself to the side so I eat. When I eat I can do it alone, with family, I can grab a snack that takes 2 mins, or a sit down meal. It is the one thing in my life I can do really quick that doesn't require me to take time away from anyone and it cheap enough that I don't feel bad about spending money.

xoxoxo,
Kelly

Day 66...My Fav Show Ruby and Toxic Relationships

It is so nice to have a grill again! Ours died a couple of months ago and I have been cooking everything inside. Then yesterday we got a new one and I have been in heaven ever since! Plus, it is so much healthier to cook on a grill.

Well one of my favorite shows Ruby is back on and I am so glad because that was the longest pause in between seasons. For anyone who hasn't seen this show it is about a woman who was oer 700 lbs and is not down to 336 lbs. It is about her weight loss journey. It is on the Style network if you want to look her up. On her season premier she and her ex Denny went to a counselor and it hit the fan. She found out that their relationship was just toxic. That his love was unconditional and even though they had broken up over 9 years ago she was still dealing with issues from that relationship. As they are showing this part of the show it made me flash back to my own toxic relationship that was just like hers.

Have you ever had a toxic relationship? Oh I have and to be honest I didn't figure it out till about 2 years ago. I was with someone when I was in high school that I was head over heels with. he cheated on any girl he had been with but me (and yes that is the truth...well at that time anyway). In the end it didn't work out but we remained friends with the occasional hook up. And then when he would come back around he would really be toxic which I see now. He would tell me what I wanted to hear to get what he wanted and then when he would find someone new he would just leave me heart broken again. I thought that we were soul mates he had even told me that we were at one time and that we were so alike it would never work. Dang, was I stupid to even believe that.

The final straw was about 2 years ago. We were living together and things were great. We would say that we weren't in a relationship but if you saw us you would think otherwise. I was falling for him all over again. And everyone in my family was telling me to watch out but I wasn't going to listen. I knew that if it was going to happen this was it because it was finally the right time. On the same note I said that if he hurt me again I would be done. Then it happened all of a sudden he started talking to an old friend and less to me. He started staying over there. Then we dicided to go out of town for the day. I thought we were back on track and I paid for everything, hung out with friends, and then on the way home he told me he was going back to her. Instead of just telling me he was going to move in with her the day before he waited till after I took him out. For the first time he treated me like he had treated so many other girls. Granted, Karma just kicked my butt. Since then I have continued to see him as a friend but I could never even think of him as anything else and never will. I hope he is happy and they last. Other than that I will keep my comments to myself but I just see history repeating.

At the end of Ruby's story she also had Denny leave. It gives you a sence of empowerment to know that they don't have that hold over you anymore.

As for today it was a pretty rough day. I'm not feeling to good. I will weigh myself tomorrow and write everthing down. As for tonight I'm going to bed.

xoxoxo,
Kelly

Day 65: My Truths...I Never Put Myself First

This is going to be my last "My Truths" post for awhile. I think that I have dealt with the things that have been holding me back for so long. I can't say that there aren't other things that I have in the back of my mind but I have never seen them as triggers to eat. If they need to be brought to the table at some point I will though. Since I have been doing this though I feel so much better. I feel lighter just by getting it all out on the table and dealing with it.

So tomorrow I will keep going with the normal blogs of weight loss, my ups and downs, and everything in between. Ok so on with this blog...

I don't know why but I never come first. For some reason I hope that someone will but it just doesn't happen. I know, I know, I should put myself first but I just want someone to put me first as I do them. If my family needs me I drop everything and I am there. I don't complain (to them anyway). I just do it. 

For anyone I am always thinking outside of the box and try to get them everything they want or need. Then I end up saying too many things when asked what I would like and then end up with nothing, just told to go buy myself something. Only problem is if I can;t rationalize spending money on myself I'm not going to do it. I mean right now I have been second guessing the suv because I don;t want to make more bills for the family.

I don't go to the gym because I need to be here for everyone or I have the baby. I try to workout at home but the minute I do I her Cole wake up and I go play with him. I know that he will get older but I need some mommy time!

As I am writing thing I can't help but wonder if I am being selfish? I don't think so but you know what? At the end of the day I don't mind and I will continue to do it because I like helping others, putting them first, and just being there. I would just like a little pick me up every now and then.

The silver lining: There are people I will always put first. My 3 kids that I love to death! As much as I wish I could do a little more for myself I am happy to do everything I can for them. 

Day 64...My Truths:I Never Finish Anything

If there is one thing that I regret in life it is that I never finish some of the most important things. Heck, I almost didn't keep going with this blog. I don't know what it is I just never do. I think the last thing I fully went through with was graduating high school.

I mean look at all the times that I have tried to lose weight! I don't think that I could count them all. I have some close and had so many good intentions just to come out short.

The worst thing that I have started but did not finish was school. I have been upset with myself for so long. For the first 3 semesters I was on the Deans list and then my 4th and final semester I bombed. I had the chance to have a better job and between working 50 to 60 hours a week and taking care of 2 children full time and I just couldn't juggle it all (did I mention it was 5 online classes!). I failed and then tried one more time only for the same conclusion. So I thought that I would go down to part time and I went it to the school only to find out that I was not able to keep going because since it was a private college I could only take the same class twice and so I left crying (after I told the dean a thing or to). So I am now paying $28,000 for an education I didn't get. Oh and I can give one hell of a massage but can't get licensed because I didn't go to the tech school cause I wanted an associates degree. 

I wanted to be the first one to graduate from college in my family. I just didn't follow through. I would love to go to school again but I liked the private college because there weren't that many people and I just look at a college campus and freak out! I can't deal with the crowds and the older I get the worse I get. But I am looking to go back but I am just not sure for what anymore because right now I have the best job ever.

The silver lining: I do have the best job ever right now. I am a stay at home mom and that is one thing I will never finish and that will be just fine. You never stop being a mom. And as the follow through for the weight loss I am pretty sure this time is it...wait I know this time is it because I am feeling better than I ever have.

xoxoxo,
Kelly

 

Day 63: My Truths...There are Days I Still Blame Myself

I think that this is going to be my hardest post that I write. This is were I know the eating began. This is something I have been dealing with for over 10 years and I am finally going to lay it to rest. I am no longer going to blame myself because after so many people have told me (friends and professionals) I know there was nothing I could have done...

About 14 years ago my world just fell down all around me. I can remember the night like it was yesterday. We were in middle school and we all had drama. There were boys, school, friends, and family. Somethings were great like going to the skating rink, fairs, and sleep overs. Other things were the complete opposite like fighting, arguing, and feeling empty inside. I went through all these emotions like most girls do. And just like any other teen girl I had my best friend that I did everything with.

She was my best friend. Sure we fought and loved each other one day and hated each other the next. That's just how we were. We passed notes going down the hall in school (I still have all of them), planned on our unborn children's names (they were named after the Saved By the Bell cast, give me a break it was the 90's), planed on which college we would attend together, that we would be the maid of honor in each others wedding, etc. We would be best friends forever. Who would have ever thought that all of that would be gone in the blink of an eye.

One night I received a phone call and we were talking as always but she was in a bad mood, just fed up with her family (this wasn't anything unusual) and said she was just done and wanted to end it all. I had heard this so many times and I told her everything would be ok. Then my mom called me to dinner and I told her I would call her back after I was done. After dinner however we decided to watch Sister Act 2 and I forgot to call her back. Then about half way through the movie there was a bang on my door and there stood her cousin crying telling me to sit down. I wanted her to but she pleaded with me that I needed to sit down and after I did she just looked at me as said she's gone. My best friend was gone. My mom thought that she meant she had ran away but I knew right away she had passed away.

I just became numb. I don't know what happened after that. All I can remember is that I couldn't sleep if I closed my eyes she was there. I didn't go to school for a couple of days because I couldn't cope. Then when I finally did every one was talking so much bull shit I couldn't handle it. When the teacher wouldn't let me go to the guidance office I through my books across the room and she finally got the picture. Mrs. Lancaster the guidance office lady was worried about me. My mom came and got me and it took a couple more days till I returned.

When we went to the wake I remember not even getting to her looking at one of her family members and saying that I don't even need to see her and the tears just came pouring down my cheeks and I can not say that the funeral was any easier. I laid to rest with her a necklace with a carousel charm that she loved and a pic of me i kept the cross charm that was also on the chain that I still have to this day. 

After the healing process her family came to get her belongings and left me with nothing. They took everything that she had left at my house. All I have are a couple pics, all the letters that we ever wrote back and fourth, and a stuffed animal that she gave me that is right on my nightstand. 

After she passed away I was so lost. I became so depressed and I too started thinking in the wrong way but I looked for help before I did anything that I knew I would not be able to take back. I blamed myself because I never called her back that night. It would have taken me 5 minutes, 5 lousy minutes to call her back and check on her and I didn't. Would it have made a difference? Would she have been my maid of honor, been there to hold my newborn kids and for me to hold hers? I still to this day can not go to her grave much because after all this years I still cry like it was yesterday. I apologize to her and talk to her all the time. I do know that she is around me. But I also know she would never want me to blame myself in the way I have. So this is the last time I will dwell on this. I will only dwell on the fun times at the all night skates, going to MGM studios and knowing that I had the best friend anyone could ever ask for. Oh and the fact she had a huge bang wave that needed a lot of aqua net lol. 

The silver lining: yea there is one. My daughter Dakota Leeann Cross. They have the same middle name and there are times she reminds me of her. 

Ok I can't write about this anymore I can't see the screen because I am crying so much! As hard as this was to write I am glad I did. Also, I am not sure who all reads this blog but if this blog has upset you I am sorry but I have kept this in for so long I finally had to let it out.

xoxoxo,
Kelly

Day 62: My Truths...I have been a horrible friend

So here it is another day of "My Truths" and I will have to say that what I wrote yesterday felt good and I really did feel a little lighter. I see that people are still reading and that makes me feel even better. Thank you for the feedback as well. And thank you Samantha for your words. You are correct, us as women should not be defined by our weight. We are all beautiful women. That meant a lot to see that because there will be a truth that will comment on that. Also, I don't want this to be constantly depressing so I am going to put the good with the bad. I will however always start with the bad so I can see the silver lining by the end of the blog.

Lately I have been a horrible friend. If you ask me to call you, well I won't. If I say I want to get together, we probably won't. If you call me, I doubt I will answer. I want to do all these things but something has just stopped me. And I am sorry for not being there for anyone.

I have been like this for at least a year now really bad. I have become a hermit. I just stay home or with my family. I have gone out with "the girls" once and I loved it! (When is that Wii party Alissa?) I just kept blowing everything off saying that I would call tomorrow and then tomorrow would turn into next week, and then I just never would call. But then this went to far and I wasn't there when I should have been there for a friend I have grown up with and considered her one of my best friends ever since elementary school (even though she beat me in the 3rd grade student elections lol).

A couple months ago she lost someone in her family and I just wasn't there. This is a family that has been in my life forever. I call her parents mom and dad. This is a family who has always been there for me and I didn't return the thoughtfulness and love that they had given to me in the past. There were so many times that I had wanted to call and reach out but what do you say? Death is not something that is easy for me to deal with (I know that it isn't easy for anyone) but I don't know how to grieve. I seem very cold hearted because I show no emotion. When I found out I cried in the room by myself. Since my best friends death over 10 years ago...never mind that is just another truth for tomorrow.

Then I received an email a couple of weeks ago and she was reaching out to me. She said that she needed me and I didn't hesitate to call her right back. We finally were able to talk a couple days later and I know that I wasn't there for her and the beginning but I will not turn my back on her through the healing process or any time after. We need each other. We now have been talking a couple of times a week and once our schedules click I can't wait to spend some time with her.

So know this...If you want to talk,I will call. If you want to meet up...I will be there. Granted I have to work with the kids schedules but I am going to be a better friend. We all need friends in our lives and I am learning that again.

The Silver Lining...After talking with my friend I realized I needed to start blogging again. With what she is going through I told her one way to get closer is to write. So I decided to take some of my own advice and it is working. Plus let's face it, I love to write and I think that I am pretty good at it!

xoxoxo,
Kelly

Day 61...My Truths: I never knew I could be an addict

I have never thought that I could be an addict. I thought that only weak people could be. That it was all in your head (ok well I still do believe that), and you should just suck it up and stop. I quit smoking cold turkey way back when I found out I was pregnant with Dakota, and I quit drinking each time I was pregnant with the kids. Why couldn't anyone else? Heck, even my anxiety I have been able to control without pills (but I will also say that has become harder too). But then yesterday I realized that I am an addict...

Yesterday morning John kept asking me what was wrong or if my aunt was visiting (ha ha ha). I just told him nope and went on my merry way. I decided I was going to start watching what I ate better so I had some cereal, a huge salad, and nothing but water. I was just pissy but I was gonna do it. About lunch time John went out to deliver a print and text me asking if I wanted a soda. I was upset. I wasn't upset that he was trying to ruin my diet, I was upset he didn't ask me if I wanted to go to lunch and instead I was stuck eating the salad! The nerve of him, right? I then later found out I didn't get the text he sent asking me if I wanted to go to lunch! Silly me! So still being in a mood I went to get Dustin and went to the store where I gave in and got an orange soda and some chips. Just that first sip of soda and then popping that honey bbq chip in my mouth...it was heaven! In the moment everything jut went away, I was happy again! In that brief second all I said to myself was...OH HELL!

I came into the house and burst into my bedroom and looked at John. I just told him "I get it now!" I am to food as he is to cigarettes! I am addicted! I know how bad it is for me but I can't seem to stop. I feel the toll it is taking on my body but yet I still do it. I have the best of intentions but no follow thru! I truly am addicted to food. And I love eating out! And now that I will admit it the next question is how do I fix it?

Since I started this 61 days ago I have not lost 1 pound. Any little I have lost I have gained back. I am ashamed of that. I don't want to look or feel like this. But what all is holding me back?

That is where "My Truths" comes in. This food addiction started somewhere and I kinda know where but there a lot of things that I have never dealt with so until Monday I am going to write a new truth or two each night. I am going to write in and then leave it on these blogs. It is my way to come to terms with decisions and things that have gone on in my life. If you thought that I was brave for posting the pics I think this may go a step further. I want to get this off my chest and quit feeling like the weight of the word has been resting on my shoulders.

I also want to say that I am sorry that I have not been blogging. I have just been realizing a lot these past couple of weeks. I should have still written on here to keep myself on track but I held it all inside as normal. Just please be patient with me and I hope that you will still continue to take this journey with me.

xoxoxo,
Kelly