Day 61...My Truths: I never knew I could be an addict

I have never thought that I could be an addict. I thought that only weak people could be. That it was all in your head (ok well I still do believe that), and you should just suck it up and stop. I quit smoking cold turkey way back when I found out I was pregnant with Dakota, and I quit drinking each time I was pregnant with the kids. Why couldn't anyone else? Heck, even my anxiety I have been able to control without pills (but I will also say that has become harder too). But then yesterday I realized that I am an addict...

Yesterday morning John kept asking me what was wrong or if my aunt was visiting (ha ha ha). I just told him nope and went on my merry way. I decided I was going to start watching what I ate better so I had some cereal, a huge salad, and nothing but water. I was just pissy but I was gonna do it. About lunch time John went out to deliver a print and text me asking if I wanted a soda. I was upset. I wasn't upset that he was trying to ruin my diet, I was upset he didn't ask me if I wanted to go to lunch and instead I was stuck eating the salad! The nerve of him, right? I then later found out I didn't get the text he sent asking me if I wanted to go to lunch! Silly me! So still being in a mood I went to get Dustin and went to the store where I gave in and got an orange soda and some chips. Just that first sip of soda and then popping that honey bbq chip in my mouth...it was heaven! In the moment everything jut went away, I was happy again! In that brief second all I said to myself was...OH HELL!

I came into the house and burst into my bedroom and looked at John. I just told him "I get it now!" I am to food as he is to cigarettes! I am addicted! I know how bad it is for me but I can't seem to stop. I feel the toll it is taking on my body but yet I still do it. I have the best of intentions but no follow thru! I truly am addicted to food. And I love eating out! And now that I will admit it the next question is how do I fix it?

Since I started this 61 days ago I have not lost 1 pound. Any little I have lost I have gained back. I am ashamed of that. I don't want to look or feel like this. But what all is holding me back?

That is where "My Truths" comes in. This food addiction started somewhere and I kinda know where but there a lot of things that I have never dealt with so until Monday I am going to write a new truth or two each night. I am going to write in and then leave it on these blogs. It is my way to come to terms with decisions and things that have gone on in my life. If you thought that I was brave for posting the pics I think this may go a step further. I want to get this off my chest and quit feeling like the weight of the word has been resting on my shoulders.

I also want to say that I am sorry that I have not been blogging. I have just been realizing a lot these past couple of weeks. I should have still written on here to keep myself on track but I held it all inside as normal. Just please be patient with me and I hope that you will still continue to take this journey with me.

xoxoxo,
Kelly