I wish that I could write every night but it is almost impossible. I need an outlet and yet trying to find the time is hard. I have come to terms with so many things and now I just need to figure out how to start over.
As I stated in my last post I had gone to the Dr. and they did a bunch of tests and I am lucky to report that I am healthy as can be! I do still need blood pressure medicine and since I have been on it my bp has been excellent! My b12 was low so I got a shot for that and then I will have another one in Sept. He told me to take a multi-vitamin and also fish oil. I was at the beginning but the multi-vitamin was making me sick. So I need to find another one. The fish oil I am still taking.
I am also going to the gym. Not as much as I should but it evens out to about every other day for 30 mins. I know it is not enough to lose weight because the scale hasn't moved but the exercise combined with the pills has made me feel so much better! I have so much more energy and I feel better. Now I just need the scale to move!
On Sept. 8th I am going to the Dr. and I am suppose to be 10lbs lighter and I don't see it happening. I have changed some of my eating habits but not all. I am going to the gym but not as I should. I guess you could say that I am doing it all half ass and so I am getting half ass results. But there is one thing I have finally come to terms with and I may have said it on a blog before but the light did come on...
I AM AN ADDICT! I AM ADDICTED TO FOOD! I AM AN ADDICT AND I REALIZE IT NOW!
Wow that felt good! It is true. I can not believe that I became addicted to food. I have been trying to cut down on the fast food and I turn into a complete bitch! I want that food! It is so good and it makes me feel good! I am ready to go get breakfast, then lunch, and opps I forgot to pull something out for dinner so let me go run and get something! Wow...I have been down this road before. But back then it was the alcohol. Most people would never know that I had a problem either. I can't tell you how many times I ended up with alcohol posioning, not remembering the night, and even cracking a beer open as soon as I woke up. Did I beat that? Yup sure did. I became pregnant with my daughter and I never looked back. I still have a drink from time to time but I don't miss it at all. The question for me now is what will kick my butt into realizing that I don't need to food?
I am going to try to write like I use to I miss it so much. It was my outlet. And I know people enjoyed hearing about how crazy my life could get and I like letting people see that I am an open book and what you see is what you get. I am just brave enough to put it out there...
Today has been very trying. Cole is not feeling to great and wants to be on me 24/7. I finally gave in today and took a 2hr nap with him. I hope he is better tomorrow because it is just gonna be me and him after we go get Dakota her shots for school.
As for my eating I did good except I finally lost it. Cole was screaming and wouldn't stop and I was so hungry and it finally just all got to me and I had 4 oreo cookies. Funny thing is I am telling myself as I am reaching for them that I don't need them and all of a sudden I dang near yell to myself...I DON'T CARE! Am I mad at myself? Nope, maybe a little disappointed but not mad. I will just do better tomorrow. Other than that this was what I had today:
Breakfast: yogurt and 4 animal cookies
Lunch: 8 baked chicken tenders and bbq sauce
Dinner: grilled chicken breast, baked beans, and broccoli
Drinks: 12 glasses of water.
Starting Weight: 191.5lbs
I weigh myself 2x's a day but I will only post once a week.
Today was also my 1st day back to the gym. I loved it! I went at night and there aren't that many people there so I could get on a treadmill and just go. I made it for about 30 mins and then my chest was hurting a little so I stopped. I know I have to take it easy till I see the Dr. on the 11th but it is so hard cause I want to go hard. All I did was cardio today and tomorrow I hope to get a little strength training in.
Since I have been with Cole all day I don't have much to write or vent...maybe tomorrow.
So here I am again...starting over. What makes this time different? I have learned a few things and have a couple more goals. I have to start what I finish and I need this weight to come off. So today John and I went and signed up at the gym and I hope he is as serious about this as I am. There is no more bull shitting, no more excuses, I need to be real with myself and everyone who actually reads this. So here are the things I have learned and came to terms with.
1. I am a addict. I pure food addict. I love it. It makes me feel good when I am down. It comforts me. But then I now see if I love it too much it's gonna kill me. What makes it hard is it is not like the alcohol (which mine was way out of control at one time) you HAVE to eat. I just have to learn it is what I eat that matters and the amount that I eat.
2. There may be something wrong with me. I will know on the 11th of this month what all my test results are. I couple of weeks ago I went to the Dr. for a physical and by the end of the appointment I end up with blood pressure pills and a heart monitor on me for 24 hrs. Oh and I also had an EKG done and an ECO. Now being the anxiety ridden person I am so many thoughts went through my mind. And it all comes down to I need to be here for my kids and my family. Granted, nothing could be wrong. They already detected a murmur which I kinda knew about. Because of the not knowing though I will watch how much I work out and will not get my personal trainer until I hear the results. Fingers crossed!
3. I have new goals. 1st I am ready to get back in school. It is going to be for photography and yea there are tons of them around but it doesn't matter how many photographers there are, what matters is how good they are. I think that I can be great ;). 2nd is I know that I the next year or 2 I could be getting married again (no nothing official) and I don't want to be a fat bride. I see my vision and I don't see me like this.
So there ya go. I hope to have people reading this again and will stick with me. I will be blogging again daily and I hope you join me...
