About 14 years ago my world just fell down all around me. I can remember the night like it was yesterday. We were in middle school and we all had drama. There were boys, school, friends, and family. Somethings were great like going to the skating rink, fairs, and sleep overs. Other things were the complete opposite like fighting, arguing, and feeling empty inside. I went through all these emotions like most girls do. And just like any other teen girl I had my best friend that I did everything with.
She was my best friend. Sure we fought and loved each other one day and hated each other the next. That's just how we were. We passed notes going down the hall in school (I still have all of them), planned on our unborn children's names (they were named after the Saved By the Bell cast, give me a break it was the 90's), planed on which college we would attend together, that we would be the maid of honor in each others wedding, etc. We would be best friends forever. Who would have ever thought that all of that would be gone in the blink of an eye.
One night I received a phone call and we were talking as always but she was in a bad mood, just fed up with her family (this wasn't anything unusual) and said she was just done and wanted to end it all. I had heard this so many times and I told her everything would be ok. Then my mom called me to dinner and I told her I would call her back after I was done. After dinner however we decided to watch Sister Act 2 and I forgot to call her back. Then about half way through the movie there was a bang on my door and there stood her cousin crying telling me to sit down. I wanted her to but she pleaded with me that I needed to sit down and after I did she just looked at me as said she's gone. My best friend was gone. My mom thought that she meant she had ran away but I knew right away she had passed away.
I just became numb. I don't know what happened after that. All I can remember is that I couldn't sleep if I closed my eyes she was there. I didn't go to school for a couple of days because I couldn't cope. Then when I finally did every one was talking so much bull shit I couldn't handle it. When the teacher wouldn't let me go to the guidance office I through my books across the room and she finally got the picture. Mrs. Lancaster the guidance office lady was worried about me. My mom came and got me and it took a couple more days till I returned.
When we went to the wake I remember not even getting to her looking at one of her family members and saying that I don't even need to see her and the tears just came pouring down my cheeks and I can not say that the funeral was any easier. I laid to rest with her a necklace with a carousel charm that she loved and a pic of me i kept the cross charm that was also on the chain that I still have to this day.
After the healing process her family came to get her belongings and left me with nothing. They took everything that she had left at my house. All I have are a couple pics, all the letters that we ever wrote back and fourth, and a stuffed animal that she gave me that is right on my nightstand.
After she passed away I was so lost. I became so depressed and I too started thinking in the wrong way but I looked for help before I did anything that I knew I would not be able to take back. I blamed myself because I never called her back that night. It would have taken me 5 minutes, 5 lousy minutes to call her back and check on her and I didn't. Would it have made a difference? Would she have been my maid of honor, been there to hold my newborn kids and for me to hold hers? I still to this day can not go to her grave much because after all this years I still cry like it was yesterday. I apologize to her and talk to her all the time. I do know that she is around me. But I also know she would never want me to blame myself in the way I have. So this is the last time I will dwell on this. I will only dwell on the fun times at the all night skates, going to MGM studios and knowing that I had the best friend anyone could ever ask for. Oh and the fact she had a huge bang wave that needed a lot of aqua net lol.
The silver lining: yea there is one. My daughter Dakota Leeann Cross. They have the same middle name and there are times she reminds me of her.
Ok I can't write about this anymore I can't see the screen because I am crying so much! As hard as this was to write I am glad I did. Also, I am not sure who all reads this blog but if this blog has upset you I am sorry but I have kept this in for so long I finally had to let it out.
xoxoxo,
Kelly
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