Day 76...Hard Questions with Truthful Answers!

So as I have talked about before I am following the 12 step program that Ruby is putting on her blog. I have already admitted that I am powerless over my eating. Now there are a bunch of questions that I have to look inside myself and answer. So here we go...  (and if you see something on here that I didn't remember or you want to put in some feedback let me know). And at the end of the questions I will let you know what has been going on with me.

Step 1 - I admit that I am powerless over my addiction (food)and that my life has become unmanageable

Have you seriously damaged your relationships with other people because of your addictive behaviors? If so, list the relationships and how you damaged them.

I truly don't think so.


If other people have told you how you how your have hurt them, then write down what they said.
People have told me that I have hurt them by not listening to them or anyone for that matter and just doing what I want to do.

Describe any missed appointments that resulted from your addictive behaviors.
I have missed doctors appointments because I don't want to be told that I need to lose weight and that I need to be on medications. I even took myself off of the blood pressure medicine because I don't want to feel like anything is wrong.

Describe any memory lapses where you cannot account for where you were.
I can not think of a time that I can't account for where I was when it came to food but I can say that I had that happen when I use to drink a lot and this is before I had Dakota.

Describe any times that you cannot recall how you got home.
Once again that was before I had an eating problem and before I had Dakota.

Describe times and ways that you have significantly neglected or damaged relationships with your loved ones in order to indulge in your addictive behaviors or because you were recovering from your addictive behaviors.
Since I have gotten bigger and bigger my issues have gotten worse about going out in public and in crowds. So I would blow friends off when it would come to going to dinner, just going to their house, or even returning phone calls. I just worry that people are talking about me and what I look like. I am scared that when we go out I will order too much and will be looked at. 

Describe any illnesses that have resulted from your addictive behaviors.

The only known illness so far is the high blood pressure. But I do know that I have been having bas acid reflux as well as heart burn. I do think that also has to do with my depression as well as my slight OCD. I can't deal with big crowds, clutter, anything I feel I can manage, oh and don't forget the driving!

If your addictive behavior contributed to excessive spending, describe the situations and why you did it.

After doing our business taxes for the year we spent over $4,000 just in eating out. That is not even what we spent in cash or at the grocery store or kwik king! That is how we celebrate, spend quality time together, eat lunch out every day because we are always out during lunch time etc.

Describe times that you have withdrawn from social interaction and isolated yourself to an extreme degree and why.
Since I have had Cole I have gone out once with someone other than John. I am so ashamed of how I look and I don't want the people at the club to see me like this. I know they will smile in front of me but what will they say when I leave? John is my safe zone and I always want to be with him because I enjoy his company and then I have a reason why I need to decline going out.

Describe incidents where you expressed inappropriate anger towards other people.
I do this all the time. I will lash out at anyone when I want something to eat especially when I want to go out to eat (which is almost every day). I will give you the silent treatment one minute and then go to total witch the next.
I get angry when people aren't doing things the way I want them done and I know I make them feel like they are stupid.I know it is what I say and the tone in my voice.

Describe embarrassing or humiliating incidents in your life. Were they related to your addictive behaviors? If so, how were they related?
Barely being able to get up in John's truck. It just takes a lot to jump up in it and the more I do it in a day the harder it gets. I just get tired and kinda short too.
Having to take 30 mins just to find something to wear because nothing fits. This has happened since I had Cole I have not lost the baby weight. It makes me feel defeated every time but at the same time I don't want to buy anything bigger.
Having people ask me if I am pregnant.And looking in the mirror and realizing why they ask.

Describe attempts that you have made in the past to control your addictive behaviors.How successful have they been?
I have had gym memberships, a personal trainer, taken diet pills, fasted, and just eaten better. For my anxiety and OCD they tried to put me on pills but I hated them so I quit taking them and said I will do it on my own. I have for over 10 years but lately it has been getting harder and harder to manage. 

Do these attempts show the powerlessness that you have over your addictive behaviors?
Some of them do, When I had the gym membership and the trainer it was great! When my exhusband didn't like the fact I was looking good he didn't let me go anymore (all of a sudden we didn't have the money). And not taking the pills for my anxiety and managing it on my own has given me power. Now the pills, fasting and everything else just made me feel like a failure because I gained it all back.

Do you feel any remorse from the ways that you have acted in your life? If so, explain that in detail.
I do feel remorse. I wish that I wouldn't have lashed out at people in my life that didn't deserve it just because I was upset that I made myself fat. I have yelled at them, given them guilt trips, and just wanted them to feel as bad as I do.
I feel remorse for not being a good friend. I have put them all to the side because I am so worried about what people will say about me when they see what I look like now and I have not worried about the most important thing...the friendship.
I feel remorseful for leading my kids down the same path. I have become the drive thru mom and I am showing them bad habits and I don't want them to go down this same unhealthy road.

Describe any irrational or crazy set of events that have happened since you began you addictive behavior. Did you rationalize this behavior? If so, in what way?
Since I began this behavior my best friend died, my parent got a divorce, I had my 1st child at 19, 2nd at 21, and then 3rd at 30. I have 3 kids with 3 different men, I ended up with high anxiety and panic attacks, I have OCD tendencies, I got married to a man I shouldn't have, had my 3rd child when I was still married (oh wait I still am), I am sure there is more but this is what I have got so far. I can rationalize it all in my head! My friend died and it is my fault in some way, parents getting divorced was all them, 3 kids with 3 different men well that just happened and I loved them all in some way, anxiety was the problems I had in school, got married because it was "the right" thing to do, had a child when I wasn't divorced yet cause I would be divorced by now if it wasn't so expensive and he wasn't such a jerk at times. I can tell you my excuse for everything.

Have you avoided people because they did not share in or approve of your addictive behavior? If so, list these people and situations.

Nope, we all love to eat!

Describe any dreams that you have had that exhibit the unmanageability or chaos of your life.
I have been dreaming lately of a snake trying to bite me and I fight him off but he keeps coming back at me (so far I always wake up before I get bitten)

Can you pinpoint one time period in your life when your life began to become extremely unmanageable? If so, describe that period of time and what was happening. 
Right after I graduated high school. I began drinking really heavily and just partied constantly. I lost my job, didn't care about anything but drinking. And then I became pregnant. It was the first time that I didn't have tons of rules from my parents and I went a little too crazy with that power. I could pin point a couple others too but it just asked for one.

Is there one incident or insight that made you realize that your life was unmanageable? If so, describe it in detail. 
Lately it is just the feeling of being overwhelmed. Nothing is ever clean enough, everything is cluttered in my mind. All I want to do is eat out. I love it. I want to go in and ask for the salad but nope I order the fried food! I don't have enough time in the day to get everything done and if I don't get it done I feel like a failure and I just eat which makes me fail at losing this weight. In the end I just feel like a big fat failure lately.

How would you summarize the powerlessness and unmanageability of your life in the face of your addiction? 
I feel like a failure that what I do to try to fix it is never good enough and when it starts to go good I stop and then fail again.

It seems like these days God is telling me to wake up, well us for that matter. John was yelled at by his doctor today and I know I would get yelled at as well. This is what we needed and now I think he will be on the same page as me. My book should be here tomorrow and I am looking for better days ahead!

John also put together Cole's jogging stroller today so I can't wait to test it tomorrow!

xoxoxo,
Kelly