Day 74...The Only Way to go is UP!

I haven't been on in a couple of days because I have just not been myself. I have been tired and the back pain has been so severe I have just wanted to crawl in bed and sleep at night. Then to add insult to injury I weighed myself.

I stepped on the scale yesterday morning just to see what was going on with me and as I looked down to see myself stuck on the same number as I always do I know my expression just stopped. The number was nothing like it normally was. I have gained weight. Enough to the point that I am now officially over 200 lbs. This is the biggest I have even been. I just wanted to cry. How could I left myself do this? Is this really worth it! No wonder I feel like crap. So what did I do? What any other chunky butt would. I ate and drank lots of soda. Instead of crying I decided to drown it.

Since then I have been pretty freakin depressed. But I am also seeing things with open eyes. For instance, I am always talking about how I wish people would put me first sometimes like I do them. Well yesterday John thought of me while he was out and brought me something home. What was it? Potato wedges! I love them don't get me wrong but that was what he thought of to bring me home. Now I am not in any way upset with John. Every now and then I bring him his favorite candy home but I also know other things that aren't food related that I bring him as well. I am just amazed that this is what I have become. Whenever I go out with anyone I know that we will eat out atleast once. When my dad comes over he always brings me a soda.

Dustin yesterday,bless his heart. Came out with his bag of chips and asked me if I wanted any. I said no thank you. He then replied ok mom but I will leave you some any way because I know you will eat it later. And well, I scarfed it down as soon as he went in his room.

After that we went to the grocery store and I went to the meat and produce and barely went through the other aisles at all. Let's face, if I keep this up I am going to die. So we had shish ka bobs last night. I have looked up a lot of recipes and I hope to get on the right track. I am also still waiting on my 17 day diet book to get here.

I'm at a loss right now. I am still kinda depressed because nothing fits. I feel alone even though everyone is around me. I just feel like I am going nowhere fast but only have myself to blame.

So I hope that tomorrow is my new day and I can go walk/jog and take some me time. I want to get this going so much but I never seem to have time to exercise. I kinda get it in my head that if I can't exercise that who cares about the eating cause if I don;t have both I'm never going to be able to get this.

As for the 12 step program I am having to do some soul searching for what I need to do next but I will post it was soon as I am done.

xoxoxo,
Kelly