So I skipped a week blogging. It wasn't that I wanted to. I did. I love this blog. Even if only one person reads it that is a win to me. If no one was to read it at least I know I am healing myself in one of the best ways I know how...writing. You could give me any topic and I could write a novel...opps there I go getting of the topic at hand.
Two weeks ago I began to focus and put everything in to getting back in shape and being healthy. There was one thing I was not ready for...my
[I wrote this whole blog last night when to save it and my computer froze and the only thing that auto saved is what you see above. It was so late I was not about to re write it and the more I sat on it the more I realized that I am glad that it was not saved. I think I may have went into far into detail about this blog and with some of the people that I know read it from time to time although it may be healing for me it may hurt them. So this is the best of both worlds I was able to heal because I did get to write it all out and now I can write it again for others. Ok back to the blog...]
The thing I was not prepared for was the emotions that were going to come up because I was no longer pushing memories back down with food. Now between the exercise and the eating better I was pretty much vomiting emotions. I was mean, happy, scared, and sad all rolled up in to one. And once again I panicked and could not take these feelings so my diet and exercise has not been great so I decided to write this blog to get this out I can no longer keep pushing these things down. They can no longer define me.
I have 2 defining moments in my life that have affected my weight. There is one I have talked about many times on here and last year I have come to terms with this subject and know that this was not my fault and it is the death of my best friend. If you would like to read more on that subject just scroll to the other blogs.
The second thing happened not long after I got out of high school. I was raped. It was by a friend at a party. Looking back this was not the first time he had tried. I now look back and see I was drugged by this person once before but my friends were around me so he failed. On this particular night he did not. Before last night I would always say I was taken advantage of. I would not just be blunt with myself. I do not think I could come to terms with it. I never did anything about it because it took me some time to put the pieces together because I was drugged. It is also nice to know he is in jail for a very very very long time for other things. But karma is a bitch and he got his.
Last night I went to take a shower and I looked in the mirror and told myself that yes this happened to me but it does not define me and I am worth so much more than to let that bring me down. Now it is time to move on. I will not say that everything is now just fine. It isn't there are things that will trigger ,e a certain smell, a touch, you never know but it is a process just like any thing else.
As you all know I am pretty much an open book but then again maybe there is a point where I was too open and I am glad I had a chance to share the parts of my story that matter the most...
xoxoxo,
Kelly
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