I know that this blog is centered around my weight loss, or lack there of and the be honest this fits in there. I have seen a pattern between my mother and myself now. The light has come on to how much of an emotional eater I am. As I sit here right now I am blogging because I am trying to sit in the house although I would rather get in my car right now and go to the nearest drive thru like I did yesterday, and the day before that.
You know the say, your kids will be 10x's worse than you. I think that is not true, they can be so much worse. Before I go any further I love my kids. They are the reason I get up every morning. No matter how much they drive me batty I tell them I love them every night before they go to bed. Now I have a child giving me a run for my money and all I can think about it my mom and what she went through. Sad part is, she didn't go through it with me. I was not the perfect child but I don't remember causing my parents a lot of grief. My sister on the other hand put my parents through hell. And now I am getting just a glimpse of what my parents have gone through.
I am being tried in a way I never thought I would be. I have always been strict but fun with my kids. They have never gone with out. Granted I will admit I can be a push over sometimes but I would bring it back to reality before it got out of hand. But now I see it all sprialing out of control. People have always told me what a great mom I am but now I even question that. Even though my child has never called me names I have been lied to lately and pushed to my limit and most of all disrespected. All of my trust is gone and that is something that takes forever to get back. I know that kids will act out but I never realized the pain a parent go through.
When I cry when I am alone (I'm not a big fan of showing my feelings) I wonder how many times my mom did. When I am eating purely to keep the feelings down, I now see why my mom was overweight when my sister and me were growing up. I know the anger that we saw in her eyes when she didn't know what to do anymore wasn't anger but pure frustration because she just didn't know what she could do differently.
I wonder if anyone blames me for my childs behavior?If the teachers are wondering how my honor roll child has gone to barely passing? Granted in a way they could kiss my ass if they did because I may not be perfect but I am doing the best I know how to do. But I saw how my mom was judged by some of the people closest to her feeling it was all her fault. Could she have donet hings different? Some things I am sure but you can only control your child so much. Plus she tweaked a few things in the raising of me so that I wouldn't go down the same path my sister chose to take. The scary thing is I just don't want my child to go that far off the beaten path.
So what can we do to get things back on track? Do I go to a counselor? Call Dr. Phil? Go let her live with her step dad and get a nice reality check? Or just hope this is a phase? I just don't know.
Have a support system right? Like the support system that my parents had in eachother? Ha, not so much. I thought they did but now growing up I see how they were both on completly different ends of the spectrum. My support is all over the place. My mom probably understands the most and ofcourse my sister cause she put my parents though this. No my child biological father is not in her life but her dad (he has raised her) and me have finally gotten on the same page after about 5 years. My last bit of support listens to me and gives me feedback but can sometimes be just as frustrating because I can get just as stressed out by their outbursts to eachother (but never at each other) it just gets put on me and sometimes I don't think either of them realize how much more it stresses me out.
I always here that you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else. But how can I when I can't even get a chance to take care of myself? I try, I really do but I am either dealing with a child,house work, or work, along with other things. I know that people want to help and have the best of intentions too but work lately has been getting the best of us and I have to put my stress reliever to the side.
Ok I do think that I am done venting right now. It may have helped but the whole time I am still sitting here wondering where I am going to go get something to eat. Luckily Cole is sleeping and I won't wake him.
xoxoxo,
Kelly
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